So. I was driving to work one day long ago when a commercial came on for the Penny Saver, one or those local classified papers where people sell cars, trucks, furniture, relatives, etc. So the lady starts by singing the words “Penny Saver”. And she keeps repeating them. No problem, I think. Repetition, they’re just playing the old Ad Game…

But she keeps saying Penny Saver. Penny Saver. Penny Saver. Penny Saver.
THEN, and this is the best part – she starts rapping about the Penny Saver.
But not in a way that would be cool or helpful in describing the product. No. She starts each line of the song with – you guessed it – Penny Saver.

Penny Saver Who? Penny Saver How? Penny Saver Kill Me! Now now now!

At first, I laughed. Then I cringed in horror. Then I laughed again. Surely this commercial couldn’t go on much longer. I was wrong. Oh so wrong. They need to send this MP3 to Git’mo to aid in interrogation. This would break any suspect in under an hour…

Listen for yourself! This month, on the Monkeytunes, the last track is this aural poison. Listen if you dare!

You know those shows on TV that you just can’t watch? You see even a second of the show, and it makes you want to go read for half an hour, or clean the toilet? For my wife, one of those shows is King of the Hill. For me, The King of Queens fits the bill. And I never quite knew why. Kevin James seems like a nice enough guy. Leah Remini seems okay, for a scientologist…
It’s not really that I hate the show, but I always got this vague sense of discomfort while watching. (I get the same feeling with Everybody Loves Raymond, usually only when Brad Garrett is speaking in that annoying voice). I could never put my finger on it.

While on a visit to Wyoming recently, it finally hit me. They’re related. Doug Heffernan (James) married his sister. Or at least, to me, it looks that way.

It’s not even weird in that “married inbred yuppies” vibe you get from watching Friends. No, James and Remini look like fraternal twins to me. It’s gross.

Plus, James has that whole goofy chubby frat guy thing going on, which adds to the annoyance factor. I’ll take my chubby TV guys acerbic like Costanza, thank you. And my married couples, I want them realistic. No more chubby slobs with the hot chicks. You want a model for realistic marriages? Take two:

Boy. With issues like these on my mind, it’s no wonder I have trouble writing lately. Between this and thirteen weeks with no new episodes of Lost, I’m on a downward spiral.

On the upside of things:

Welcome back to a Blue America!

Borat. Do yourself a favor, vanilla-face, and go see this movie!

Easily the most smartest, most cutting, and by far the most offensive movie of the year. It’s comedy that will have you squirming in your seat. The basic premise is a faux-documentary about a Kazakh reporter sent to America to bring cultural enrichment back home. It’s difficult to tell which scenes in the movie are real and which are staged, but that only adds to the enjoyment.

The best kind of comedy holds a mirror up to society. You laugh in discomfort, either because you see part of yourself in the joke, or (hopefully) you realize that the people being lampooned are your friends and neighbors. Borat shows America as it really is, a nation of polite, friendly people (well, except in New York), many of whom hide ugly prejudices and bigotry. There are scenes where people who are held in high esteem are revealed to be quite evil, and those held as objects of disgust are revealed to be human after all.

From a hilarious rendition of the national anthem at a Virginia Rodeo (who knew Americans were so bloodthirsty?) to Borat’s encounter with genteel Southern racists, the movie is non-stop laughter. Borat is an innocent looking man-child, a naive foreigner bouncing around America trying to discover who we are, and in the process, helping us discover as well. And if that sounds too highbrow for you, just wait until Borat’s “disagreement” with the movie’s producer near the end of the film.

More on this in a minute…(God, that cat cracks me up!)

Lock up the kids! The dark powers are closing in! Here’s some quotes from children on Harry Potter, brought to you by Chick Publications, erstwhile publishers of Born-Again pamphlets that help to save the world. Here are some quotes they’ve compiled from kids who finished reading Harry Potter:

How does Harry Potter affect children? Here it is, in their own words:

“I want to go to wizard school and learn magic. I’d like to learn to use a wand to cast spells.” (Dylan, age 10)

“If I could go to wizard school, I might be able to do spells and potions and fly a broomstick.” (Myra, age 12)

“It would be great to be a wizard because you could control situations and things like teachers.” (Jeffrey, age 11)

“I’d like to go to wizard school and learn magic and put spells on people. I’d make up an ugly spell and then it’s pay-back time.” (Catherine, age 9)

“I feel like I’m inside Harry’s world. If I went to wizard school I’d study everything: spells, counterspells, and defense against the dark arts.” (Carolyn, age 10)

“I liked it when the bad guys killed the unicorn and Voldemort drank its blood.” (July, age 13)

Stop and think: what will these children do when invited to visit an occult website, or even a local coven?

Now… I don’t know about you, but growing up, I never received a single invitation to visit my local coven. And I think, if you asked any devout child, Christian, Jewish or Other (as Rev. Lovejoy would say), they would all thrill at the prospect of having magic powers. It’s not because they’re evil. It’s because they’re KIDS! Kids like to imagine they can fly. They also, I’ve recently learned, like to imagine they can be ninjas, pirates, Curious George, or something called the “Booger Ghost”. And I don’t think anyone will go to hell for being the booger ghost.

Look at some of the quotes from the kids. One wants to create an ugly spell to get payback (if those words were actually spoken by her…). What does that say about her reaction to how her classmates are treating her? Couldn’t we have pamphlets that help teachers identify and prevent bullying? One of the children even wants to learn defense against the dark arts. And this is bad? You can read more about Harry’s evil rise here: http://www.chick.com/catalog/videos/0127.asp

OR…

You could read the Harry Potter books and see where goodness, friendship, bravery, and loyalty, ALWAYS rise to defeat grave evil. And let kids have full run of their imaginations while they’re young enough to corrupt their own brains. Sheesh. For an extra dose of WTF fun, click below. I’m all for saving souls, but this comic is creepy where it’s supposed to be wholesome and funny where it’s supposed to be creepy. I also found the ending to be a bit too “Cosby Show” for my tastes.

http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1032/1032_01.asp

If you haven’t been keeping up with Keith’s Special Comments, you’re missing out on some fantastic American Editorial journalism. DANG! He lays the smack down on BushCo in this one…

http://www.crooksandliars.com/2006/10/18/countdown-special-comment-death-of-habeas-corpus-your-words-are-lies-sir/

I suggest watching the Quicktime link for full effect. Why are there only a handful of journalists willing to stand up like this?

Create a post onm King of Queens. Why did the show bother me? Ralph Kramden plus Corky=Kevin James. Plus, the wife and he look like brother and sister. Maybe Alice kramden + Corky=Leah Remini. Art Carney plus Sloth from Goonies equals dorky friend.

Kevin James – that annoying frat guy. There was always one stocky jock guy in college who tried to be the funny stocky jock guy, but only came off as jerky fat guy…

Also write about airport – saw a woman as I waited by the restrooms. Puttin gher belt back on, looks either frustrated or like she’d been crying. Escorted by TSA official into bathroom, then escorted to door. TSA allowed her to leave… what happened there?

Bush discusses certain key attributes of the case with representative Foley…

While Rush Limbaugh vehemently disagrees.

I think someone’s feeling a little inadequate here…

In all seriousness, between the Foley scandal and the North Korea situation, what has our current leadership (in power for 6 years now) give us as an excuse for these events? What is their rationale behind everything?

You guessed it.

Hey, whether you liked him or not, based on his track record, I think it’s safe to assume there are some things he just wouldn’t lie about.

All I know is, if I had a job for six years and something went wrong, I would be fired in a heartbeat if I tried to blame anything on the guy who came before me. If you can’t fix a problem in six years, a problem that has been brought up before (in the Foley case) and repeatedly (in the NK case), then maybe…just maybe… you’re not cut out to lead. Here’s hoping things change in November.

UPDATE: A lot of people have missed the fact that this posting is less of a political comment and more of a sophomoric joke about male endowment. So there’s your on-the-nose joke explanation.

Today is my first day at my new teaching job (well, it’s actually my second week, but it’s the first day where I’m not hustling to another job afterwards). I’m also doing some personal assistant work for a very funny comedian (and possibly her funny comedian husband occasionally), and BEST OF ALL… I’m getting ready to launch a website for SurfMonkeyDesigns, my web design company. I have to make the site in between catching up on about four web jobs that I have going. But it’ll be cool. I’m working with a graphic artist for some amazing logos and pics for the site… wait’ll you see it!
Gotta run! The fourth graders are coming!