Michael Paul Gonzalez: Scary Author. Monkey Enthusiast.

Here I am, in my new Bungalow, located just a block away from Paramount studios, where all of the action happens… and I don’t get any of it because I’m working 12 and 14 hour days in an office job… I must find a way to get into those studios. On a positive note, things are winding down on book number 2. It would be nice if I could sell either book number 1 or 2. We’ll see.

More reasons to hate the media:

600 soldiers found Saddam Hussein in a hole in the ground. Now, the media is singing the praises of George W. “See? He was right all along! He found Saddam!”

Well, I think it’s great that Saddam is caught, and I hope he pays several times over for all of his nastiness. BUT… what has been solved? Troops are still dying, no WMDs have been found. Osama (a much bigger threat) is still active, and worst of all, mainstream America will probably see this capture as a reason to re-elect Bush.

Vote for Dean, damn you all!

Christmas is almost here, and I’ve got a hectic schedule to plan. Plus, I have to beef up for wrestling, and find a mask or a gimmick of some kind. If I was a web genius, I would have a poll page where people could throw around some ideas… but I suck at web design, as the month and a half delay in relaunch will attest.

As always, stay tuned…

…and thanks for reading, Dad! (Now go read Al Franken’s book! It’s good for you!)

Another huge gap… Here’s what’s new…

I’m getting ready to move (again), which is fun and not fun. Bigger place, but it also means that I have literally moved to a new place once a year since 1994. Jeez.

On a really cool note, I must give massive thanks to my girlfriend Aleks, for the coolest birthday present. EVER! Starting in January, I will be attending pro wrestling school for about a month. Which means this journal should start getting really wacky soon, if I’m not too bruised to write. Hopefully my kickboxing lessons will get me prepared.

Yeah, you all just wish you could be a luchador.

Y yo, yo soy un luchador!

I think that means I’m a wrestler, but I’m not sure.

Anyway… I will be exhausted for a long time… but what else is new?

Do not see Gothika. See Bad Santa.

That’s it.

I just got back from Vegas, and got to drive through some of the countryside ruined by the fire. Pretty humbling, really. The mountains and plains were ashy black, and the smell was inescapable. And this in an area where there were no houses.

I will write a better blog later… right now, my time is being spent on web redesign… but I’ll let you in on a secret… it’s not going to look too different than before. Perhaps some new photos…

Hopefully I can make just a page for photos. It will be fun, but it will also increase my monthly bandwidth usage… decisions, decisions…

How badly do y’all want to see the pictures of my life? Well, you’ll see them anyway.

Read lots of Douglas Coupland.

Testing…testing…

Switching serves is a pain in the monkeybutt

Not much going on here. I saw Bubba Ho-Tep, an interesting new movie featuring everybody’s favorite B-Movie chin, Bruce Campbell as Elvis. It doesn’t get much better than that.

Right now, Southern California is recovering from fires. Everything stinks like a wet barbeque, my allergies are up, and I feel horrible for everyone that lost homes and property. But who do I feel more sorry for? Our local news coverage.

California has the worst, and I mean horrible beyond belief, news crews. They’re so focused on celebrity style and marriage most of the time that when something newsworthy comes along, they are revealed as mental five year olds.

Examples?

1. The Iraq War: During the first few weeks, Fox anchor Jillian Barberie would spend her time reading magazines and tabloid papers DURING the morning news. This is something she always does, probably because it makes her “quirky” and “hip”, but could it have stopped for a war? The fact that they still kept features such as “tabloid Thursday” and “Style Files” (a feature they run every thirty minutes, about new purses and belts and things) should give you an idea of how focused our intrepid reporters are.

But then the fires came. This was something local. Something HUGE. Something more complex than a medium speed car chase. And what did we get? Some real gems.

2. While talking to the sheriff’s deputy live on the air, a reporter said, and I quote, “What should local people be doing now in Lake Arrowhead. Is it time to panic?”

3. Another reporter, interviewing a group of fireman: “As a female firefighter, I’m sure things are more difficult for you. You’re up here on the mountain. People have to use the restroom. There are all kinds of concerns.”

I should interrupt to say that I wish I was making this up.

4. Then there was the reporter who drove his van up close to a group of firefighters setting backfires. The wind shifted, the entire place went ablaze, and firefighters had to go out of their way to save him and his cameraman. (This guy will probably get an award). Later, he was quoted as saying that seeing his newsvan burned up, he began to get an idea of what the people in the mountain communities were going through.

I could make a website dedicated to the fine work of our local news reporters. Imagine a bunch of bitter Midwestern community theater actors who traveled to LA with dreams and remain to this day with bleachy smiles and stiff hair. But I guess if it’s not entertaining, it’s not news.

Back to you, Skip.

Only the Cubbies.

Damn Damn and double Damn. Game six.

A classic.

The Cubs are six outs away from their first world series in forever. And what happens? What turns the tide of the game? Is it abrilliant double play by the Marlins? A skyrocket homerun?

No.

It’s a Cubs fan.

A Cubs fan who doesn’t think to get the Hell out of the way of a foul ball and let his home team make the play. A Cubs fan whom I feel sorry for, because he will probably have to move out of Chicago since some drunken idiots will be looking to hurt him should the Cubs not make it to the Series.

Now. Let’s analyze:

Did the fan really cost the Cubs the game? No. They had eight innings to get it right, to build a lead, and they didn’t. Their pitching and defense was atrocious in the eighth. And of course, they had also lost two previous games in the series. They’ve had chances to win.

But still.

Such a thing could only happen to the Cubbies, and it breaks my heart.

Here’s something fun:

In your best Harry Carey voice, say:

“HEY! What the heck was that guy thinking? That guy was a moron! You know what I used to do to fans who ruined ballgames? Why I’d reach back and pimp slap their moms. I’m not kiddin’, I’d draw blood! Come on Cubbies…”

If you ever want to make me laugh, imitate Harry Carey. Even the bad impressions (like mine) crack me up.

Crazy old guy.

GO CUBBIES! WIN ONE FOR HARRY! Or me. Or yourselves. For God’s sake.

Here are two words for movie fun:

Kill Bill.

The good news: Tarantino is back, doing what he does best, and making me fall in love with seventies gore and chop socky all over again.

The bad news: We’re probably in for four years of Tarantino copycats and wannabes, as we were after Pulp Fiction. Every pitch in Hollywood will probably start… “Imagine Kill Bill, but with… _____”

Speaking of, I have a new book I’m finishing up right now. Think of Kill Bill, but with different stuff. Plus, I started work on it a year ago, and of course, someone had to come out first with some of the ideas. Damn damn.

I told you Arnold would win.

At least I’ll have something to blog about.

There are so many things to write about, and so little time.

I need a new back, and new knees, and more money.

Also, read these books:

Rogue Warrior by Richard Marcinko

Jennifer Government by Max Barry

The Contortionist’s Handbook by Craig Clevenger

Yeah, I read a lot. But at least I don’t do drugs!

Until next time,

Go Cubbies!

…and what the heck, Go Sox.

See how tired I was? I was lost for a whole summer there. Here’s the latest. I have now been in Los Angeles for a year, and some good things have happened, and some nothing has happened. There’s a lot to see and do in the city, I’ve met Chuck Palahniuk twice, Neil Gaiman once, Christopher Moore once, seen celebrities, discovered the fun of skating in Santa Monica by the beach, wiped out hard skating on the beach, etc. etc. etc. I’m still trying to sell the first book even as I finish the second, as well as working fitfully on my screenplay.

Hmmm.

On a side note, we’re about one week away from the big recall here. Things don’t look so good. I think Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to win. His impact on the economy is still unclear, but I don’t think it will do much for the state’s reputation.

I’m kickboxing now. I have taken about a month’s worth of classes, and I throw a mean right hook. I might even compete by the end of the year. It depends.

I want to win the lottery, and I want to sell my book.

I also want to blog more regularly, and I’d like to write cohesive pieces… which rhymes, and may be a good title for a short story collection.

Again, hmm.

I’m full of stories, and have no time to write them all down. Keep your fingers crossed.

Also,

read these books:

I am Legend by Richard Matheson.

Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them by Al Franken

Battle Royale by Koushun Takami

Chemical Pink by Katie Arnoldi

absolutely anything written by Amy Hempel

Maybe I could start doing a book review thing. Or movie reviews.

I watch a lot of movies. This year has been a disappointment. But there have been a few good studio movies, a few good independents.

Until next time…

(Hey, give me a break, I haven’t done this in months, I don’t want to strain a muscle)